Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
