I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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