just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
