if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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