YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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