my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
