We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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