dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
