You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
