Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
