I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
