I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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