you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
