Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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