So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
