My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
