Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
