she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
