Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
