Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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