Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
