i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
