I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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