Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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