I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
