Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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