You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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