closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
