Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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