just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
