I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
