Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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