Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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