I just made out with a guy for $7.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
