dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
