I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
