you guys were way drunker than both of me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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