Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
