Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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