I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
