Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
