I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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