well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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