The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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