Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
