just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
