Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
