I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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