If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
