so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
