WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i now understand why vodka
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
